forever vs. now – Chicago Reader

Q: I am a 28 year old queer woman. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship because it was impossible for me to bond physically or emotionally with someone after being raped four years ago. I finally found a very, very, very nice guy. He is 36 years old and quite simple. He’s a cis-white guy who doesn’t like anal, which is good, not too good at oral, which is bad, with a medium to low sex drive and a medium to good dick. Here’s the problem: I like the warm feelings of love and lust that I finally experience after a long time, but I am nevertheless dissatisfied with him. There are so many things I feel he is missing. We don’t share fantasies, he doesn’t take the initiative, there’s no sense of temptation, and the cunnilingus is disappointing. I’ve talked to him about it and he listens, he says he hears me, but he doesn’t carry out any of my suggestions. Instead, he tells me to focus on the things that are great about our relationship rather than what’s missing. Maybe I’m too critical and should try to focus on the positive. Or should I leave him and look for an idealized sex god who may or may not be there? “Idealized Dick Katharsis”

PS My question requires a thoughtful answer, not a cheeky one. So maybe I should talk to my psychologist and not you?

a: First of all, I’m so sorry you were raped. I’m glad you sought professional help, IDK, and I’m glad to hear you’re feeling ready to reconnect after taking four years off to heal. And I’m going to say that you don’t have to choose between talking to me about this or talking to your psychologist. You can talk to both of us.

Zooming out, I’ve always thought of this column (and my podcast) as a conversation I have with friends about our love and/or sex life after we’ve had a few drinks. (Or, these days, shared an edible one.) Friends are there to listen, challenge us, and appeal to our bullshit. And friends are there to be heard, challenged and held accountable for their bullshit. But friends are not pros. When it comes to the type of trauma you’ve been through, we’d ideally seek help from a professional and — if we were ready — advice from our friends.

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